My childhood was pretty traumatic. I experienced physical, mental, emotional & sexual abuse at the hand of a family member, the very people who were supposed to love & protect me. It caused me a lot of pain, I turned it into anger because it was a whole lot easier to be angry than it was to be hurt. My family went to church on Wednesday nights & twice on Sunday. I was raised in church & played the virgin Mary in my church's Christmas play, now if you know me, that's some funny stuff right there... I got saved, but I spent most of my pre-teen years fighting mom because I didn't want to go to church & finally rebelled enough that I stopped going. When I hit my teenage years, I fell in love the 1st time with Beezer. He was 4 years older than me & when you're 14 & 18, that's REALLY bad timing. It shattered my already broken heart when he told me he couldn't see me anymore because of our age. I can't count how many tears I cried over him & it just felt like I was going to die it hurt SO bad. My self esteem was non-existent; I acted out in a lot of different ways: promiscuity, drug use, drinking & I became quite the rebel child who just ran around with her middle finger in the air.
I got married when I was 19. The day after my 21st birthday I gave birth to my beautiful, firstborn child, Shawna Lynn. February 15th, 1994, she was almost 2 months old & I woke up to the phone ringing. It was my cousin telling me about a funeral, as I was on the phone with her I was looking at Shawna & she didn't look right. I told my cousin to hold on while I checked on her, my cousin, who had a baby a month older than Shawna, heard the screams of me realizing Shawna was dead. I went back to the phone & said,“Shawna isn't breathing, I have to call 911.” I tried calling 911, but it wasn't available in our area. I went back to Shawna, picked her up & took her to the bedroom where my husband was sleeping. He woke up to me hysterically screaming that Shawna wasn't breathing, as soon as he took one look at her he knew there was nothing to be done. I wasn't willing to accept that, I ran back to the living room with her & although I didn't know CPR, I tried while he was trying to get me to accept that rigor mortis had already set in & she was gone. I just kept screaming, NO! I was in denial & I just couldn't believe it. I was sleeping with her at the time & really thought I had suffocated her. When the coroner arrived he tried to reassure me that it was SIDS & it wasn't my fault. It didn't matter what he said, I blamed myself. I had to be carried away from her visitation, funeral & grave side. The 1st experience I had with the death of a close loved one was my firstborn child & I was clueless about the grief & pain that followed. The first time I went back to visit her grave I knelt down on my knees & had to fight the overwhelming urge to dig her up, my arms literally ached to hold her. The pain of losing Shawna was so severe it hurt me physically. That pain on top of all the childhood pain I never healed from was enough to kill a person or at least cause them to be locked in a padded room. I battled depression that had me so incapacitated I couldn't even get out of bed. Then 5 weeks after she died the husband I needed so much told me he messed around on me while I was pregnant. The guilt was eating him alive, he felt her death was his punishment & we were divorced within 6 months.
I went on to have more children & more ex-husbands, but I spent most of the next 20 years abusing & beating myself up so bad it is by the grace of God that I survived. I did anything I could to try to numb my pain & run from it except the one thing I should have done, turn to God for peace & comfort. But, I was so mad at him for not answering my prayers to bring her back & for not giving me an answer to the never ending WHY??? As a result, I spent most of that time feeling empty & victimized in a sea of hatred & self-pity with a nasty attitude that blamed God, myself & everybody for all the pain I felt. I was miserable & felt powerless to change it. In 2006, I was bartending & waitressing & living in Springfield. I had connections that gave me all the cocaine I wanted for free, I'd been on it for about 2 years straight. Christmas Eve 2006 I came down, I'd been on Paxil for my depression; I dumped the bottle down the toilet instead of slowly weaning myself off & had a nervous breakdown. My cheese had slid off the cracker & I thought I was dying, ended up at the hospital & they made me mad. I was screaming obscenities & telling the cops things like, “Leave me alone, all the baby rapers & murderers out there & you gotta be messin' with me. I am a child of God.” Yeah, needless to say I ended up arrested for the 1st & only time, knock on wood... But I spent 3 days & 2 nights in Sangamon County jail over Christmas & let me tell ya' that ain't no place to be!
When I got out of jail, I had a friend who was an Apostolic Pentecostal. Remember how I was raised in church, but I disregarded it & did my own thing while I was out in the world. I told my friend it felt like God & Satan were fighting over me. He took me to a man's house, I got on my knees as they laid their hands on my head, prayed & spoke in tongues. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit & I remember hearing something along these lines, “Lord, we ask you to heal this young woman's mind, heal her confusion, the turmoil that is going on in her mind. Help her turn to you & give you things that are beyond her control. You have no control over her Satan, release her mind. We bind you in Jesus name, Amen!” I had so many family members praying for me to come out of it, it took a few months for the delusions to go away, for my perceptions to come untwisted & for me to stop misinterpreting things & making them out to be more than they were. But it happened & I know God healed me. I hit rock bottom & realized Jesus is the rock at the bottom & he became the foundation on which I rebuilt my life. Over the next 2 years, Satan put temptation in my path & I still did cocaine once in awhile, but I finally got clean & haven't touched it since 2008. God had already blessed me with 2 sons that I wasn't capable of caring for because I was so screwed up. Then he blessed me with another baby girl & it was a turning point in my life. I stopped making it all about me & living only for myself. I realized what I had done to my boys, my family & my loved ones, the pain, hurt & stress I had brought to them simply because they loved me & I was SO sorry for it. I cried, apologized & begged for their forgiveness . They understood the pain & anger had consumed every area of my life for so long that I was barely existing, not truly living. Looking back it breaks my heart to think of all the time I wasted, 20 years is a long time, please don't make the same mistakes I made, the time is NOW to make things right. Let go of all the negative emotions, let go of the pain & anger, change your mind & change your life. There's only one way to do that... Through our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ, give your heart & your life to him, trust in him & when things are beyond your control, I promise you he's there for you!
Not quite 2 years after my daughter was born, God blessed me again & put my Beezer back in my life. I see it as another example of everything happening in God's perfect timing. I'd searched for 24 years to find another man I could love the way I loved him, never found it & never got over him. I still loved him & wanted him after all those years. I'm now married to Beezer, the love of my life, he's my best friend, he supports me & comforts me. I see him, my children, my loved ones, the peace of mind & heart I now have as proof of God's love for me.
An article I found called “Why Is God's Amazing Grace So Amazing?”written by Eddie Cloer, talks about the song “Amazing Grace” written by John Newton who was a man who had gone deeply into sin. It states that “No roadblock, no obstacle of Satan, no mountain of struggle is too big, too powerful, too overwhelming to counter the reconstructing character of God’s grace. Those who stand in it cannot be overcome or snatched away from the Father’s hand.” The Bible says, ““Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong” (II Corinthians 12:9-10)
I'm no longer bitter & angry about the pain that consumed my life for so long, I put it in God's hands & in my weakness, Christ has made me strong. I'm not lucky, I am blessed & I thank God everyday because I would have never been able to overcome all the pain & obstacles that were thrown in my path alone. It was ALL God's Amazing Grace & I consider myself to be living proof of it. Please believe that Jesus died on the cross for your sins & he is your Savior. Ask him to forgive your sins, ask him to come into your heart & your life & let him lead the way. Learn to let go & “Let God,” I promise you won't regret it. God Bless & keep you!
Much love to you,
Loressa Selby
UPDATE: I was baptized as a child before I feel I technically "needed" it & could fully come to know & understand the meaning behind baptism. After writing the above testimony & posting it on my Facebook March 6th, 2014 I felt really moved to be baptized again from all the years I spent living in sin. So I was rebaptized on March 16th, 2014 & it was the most powerful, most wonderful experience I have ever felt in God's presence in my entire life...
I left all of the pain, anger, regret, shame, every negative emotion I had battled on a daily basis most of my life in that baptismal... The Holy Spirit moved on me in such a way that I could barely stand up. He filled me with an inner peace & true joy I searched for my whole life & the whole time God was right there just waiting for me to turn to Him... Thank you Jesus!
No comments:
Post a Comment